Saturday, September 2, 2006

Movies Movies Movies

Watched 'Little Man' at midnight yesterday. Well, standard crappy jokes but it was enjoyable.

The golden rule about comedies is you can't think too much. Especially with Hong Kong slapstick comedy. If you want to analyze the show that much, go watch a National Geographic documentary.

Ugh, anyway, I had a most unpleasant experience during the movie because some genius in the audience had the indecency to eat a lot of durian prior to the movie so we had to endure the aftermath of durian burps and some kind of shitty smell. (I swear it smells like human excrement!)

Which leads me to compile this personally updated list of 'Things not to do when you watch movies'. (Don't talk to me about plagiarism, I am, repeat, NOT writing some thesis or newspaper article.) Anyway, here goes, in no particular order:

  1. Do not eat any pungent foods before watching the movie. Pungent foods include durian, garlic, cheese and petai. Contrary to what you may think, farting and burping do not contribute to an enjoyable movie experience.
  2. Do not eat pungent foods during the movie. Yes, congratulations, you may have succeeded in sneaking in that McDonald Big Mac past the movie attendants. Yes, you can give yourself that pat on the back on being so resourceful. Yes, you can be proud of your large designer label bag to carry such goodies for your fellow members. But, for goodness sake, have pity on the rest of the audience who may not have eaten or may not enjoy the aroma of your goodies.
  3. Do not narrate the movie to your loved one. Some dear people love to narrate the entire movie to their spouse or girlfriend. Generally, the ladies are more considerate and do not indulge in this. My friend told me once during a movie, there was this National Geographic commentator-wannabe who insisted on explaining the entire movie line by line to his ignorant and possibly 'uneducated' partner. Well, my friend and his team of sharpshooters proceeded to show their appreciation of such a vocal performance by a shower of ice bits followed by a silent encore by the rest of the audience.
  4. Do not sing during a musical. Yes, you may have forked out a fortune for those singing lessons. Yes, we know you love Emmy Rossum(Okay, my friend discovered this 'talented' singer during the movie 'Phantom of the Opera'). But please, we did not fork out RM9 to hear you sing. Go find a Karaoke or a karaoke booth or just use your bathroom.
  5. Do not use those new fangled glowing handphones. There is a reason why they turn off all the lights during the movies. Sweat, if you must ask, we should have only one light source, the big screen in front of you. Case closed.
  6. Do not hog the seats. All cinema seats in the non-Gold class are created to be of equal width. Unfortunately, once in a while, a mountain troll appears(this was inspired by a fellow blogger, LM.) and proceed to establish dominance over his 3 seat territory. Groan!
  7. Do not vibrate the seat in front of you. Recently, I watched this animated movie(by animated I mean kiddie movie) named 'Monster House'. Sigh, nobody dies or gets massacred in a kiddie movie. Unfortunately, some cramped adult behind me kept rattling my seat. Halfway through the show, I was tempted to rip off the offending limb and stuff it in his upper orifice which he will doubtlessly use after I rip his limb off.
So there, you have it, the top 7 personal movie grouses for 2006.


weiwei said...

I'm not guilty of 1,2, 3,5,6&7. Well I did sing along with the Phantom & Moulin Rouge when i watched the 2nd time. Sorry cant help it. :p
I remebered I confronted the guy behind me about him vibrating my seat. Yes peace till the end of the show.

Las montañas said...

eeks! I'd probably pass out from that smell! How can you endure the duration of the movie!!

Las montañas said...

The worst turnoffs for a perfect cinematic experience:

2. Litter on the floor. Popcorns everywhere
3. Extra floorshow. Stop necking and smooching if you're not right at the back row!