The Legacy of Past Betrayals

I think at one point or another, most of us would have had gone through some painful experiences which would have left longlasting marks upon our psyches.

The strong and indifferent seem to be able to shrug these events aside. Others 'blessed' with darker temperaments and accursed memories suffer longer.

You may say, that is life. However I think, if you adopt a sit-back-and-just-take-it attitude, I'd say you truly deserve the total crap package thrown at you.

Having been betrayed for more times than I care to remember, something new now coexists alongside my normal personality. It draws energy from failed expectations, refuses to accept bullshit from insensitive people and explodes at the slightest idea of new perceived betrayals. With the right catalyst, it burns like a peat fire for days drawing fuel from some source within, the flames hungering for some form of retribution even though the mind has already made its peace.

Actually I hate ranting about this. Or even be bothered about it. If possible, I would rather be apathetic or just surrender to the nastiness. Why take the effort to struggle so much?

My faith tells me otherwise. I feel alone in this as no one else seems to be able to truly relate. People always think something is unnatural when it doesn't affect them the same way. Well, my problem is big because it is my problem and very real to me. I have my thorns and you have yours.

Sigh.

Sometimes, it seems death is the only way to be free of this. However, do not jump to the narrow-minded conclusion that I'm being suicidal because I am not.

But I really desire to be free of this.

I remember a phrase which has had many incarnations and I quote the version by Crowley, 'He who conquers others is strong; but he who conquers himself is stronger yet.'

Maybe not today, but hopefully one day.